The secret of being IN ‘n’ OUT

After a fabulous mid morning in Malibu for brunch, a Packed to the Rafters TV celebrity spotting and a drive along the coast back to West Hollywood, my cousins Kevin & Donnie Norte (look them up, or “like” their Facebook page - they are famous over here) started to plan our evening activities. 

It was decided we were to go watch a flick at Graumanns Chinese Theatre, and post movie was to be burgers at IN ‘n’ OUT.  Now for those of you not familiar with IN ‘n’ OUT Burgers, you may have a clearer memory of an advertisement Paris Hilton did a few years back sliding all over a car eating a burger almost naked.  Right, with me now?

Anyhoo, while I was very excited about getting burgers after the movie Kevin mentions he has to tell me something.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was about to hear a little treasure that seems fit for a Grand Master to mention at a local Freemasons meeting…

There is a secret menu at IN ‘n’ OUT burger.

“A secret menu?” I say as I scratch my head confused.  

“Yes a secret menu” Donnie and Kevin respond in unison.  

“Why the hell is there a secret menu?” I wonder but before I could say “Two all beef patties…special sauce…”  Kevin whips out his iPad and launches the menu on the IN ‘n’ OUT page.

I am amazed. In front of me is a full range of burgers and styles that I have never heard of before.  From what I am being told as we scroll, not one of these are mentioned on the menu inside the restaurant and if you don’t know about this secret menu… no one inside the restaurant will tell you. Weird.

So we look at all the styles of burgers.  Donnie and Kevin tell me that they are quite partial to the cheeseburger “animal” style.  Animal style, what could that possibly mean?  Why do they have a secret menu again? 

As I start to feel concerned that this could be a joke or a waste of my time, Kevin breaks my mood by announcing that they make a burger sans bread.  Yes, without bread.  A burger made with lettuce instead of the bread.  Everything else you want is in it… the burger the tomato and the cheese.  I am impressed.  Allergy perfect.  Why haven’t we thought of this before?  Why haven’t I thought of this before? 

I stop to think about it.

For two long, very long years I have almost broken into tears when a Hungry Jacks advert came on the TV.  For I am gluten intolerant.  Forget the Singapore Airlines ads, my tears practically leap off my face when I see a flame grilled whopper with cheese.  So much so I would have to leave the room.  Bloody amazing I think to myself… while everyone else is trying to make do with that gluten free bread that you can practically use as bricks to build a house, these people are just making it with lettuce.  As my CEO always says… Keep it simple stupid, and yes trying to make do with gluten free bread is indeed stupid.  Lettuce however, brilliant. So we scribble the names down of our secret burgers and out the door we go.

The movie was great, Ben Affleck gorgeous of course - however our stomachs reminded us of more important things and off we trot to IN ‘n’ OUT Burger.

Right boys have we got the names of the secret burgers?  Animal Style check, what was mine called again? Oh yes “2 x 4” check.  We are off.

We arrive at the restaurant and just as I had been told, the menu had just 3 items on it. Double burger. Cheeseburger. Hamburger.

So in a scene that played out similar to the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld we wait in line until we are called.  Next Guest please!.  That would be us.

Kevin and I go straight up to the girl and Donnie is right behind.  “Two Animal style Cheeseburgers please and a 2 x 4” we say.  She repeats the order as if we had ordered straight from a menu.  WOW.  There is a secret menu.  She types it in to her burger consol and the boys order fries and drinks. 

As she is double confirming our order that I would like the “2 x 4” Cheeseburger which consists of two burger patties and 4 pieces of cheese… I start to think oh no, that’s not what I want and say…

“Oh no, I want the burger that is surrounded in lettuce”

She says to me “which one?”

And I repeat that I would like the one with the lettuce instead of bread.  She pretends she doesn’t know what I am talking about and looks bewildered that they would have a burger like that. 

Kevin and I look at each other in disbelief, Donnie takes two steps backwards as if we just lost our key to the secret garden and I quickly say “but hang on we looked it up on the internet.  You have it – I saw it on the web!”

The girl looks at us with her eyebrow up, leans forward and mutters under her breath…  “protein”.

“huh?” I say

She leans closer and whispers with her jaw tightly clenched… “it’s called the protein”.

I felt as if we had just been subjected to the cone of silence from Get Smart as she had whispered under her breath as if she was giving us the five lotto and the two supplementary numbers that night… unbelievable.

“Yes that’s the one I want” I say.

Phew! I had no idea that the secret menu is taken so seriously.I know the Masonic Hall on Hollywood Boulevard went broke but didn’t realize that perhaps they had set up shop here.

Kevin and I pull ourselves back off the counter and I am shocked to think we almost weren’t able to order any burgers at all.  That was a close call.  I was waiting for the “No Soup for YOU! Come back 1 year” cry that made that Seinfeld episode famous and we sigh in relief.

The girl reluctantly plugs in the details and continues to look at us sideways as if she was to silently say “you two were very lucky” and we quickly pay for two animal style burgers and a protein.   I turn around to see where Donnie had escaped to.  I am sure he was so embarrassed about my error he was sure to be long gone, but no, he was just looking for a place for us to sit.

Kevin finally brave enough to speak to me after our very close call says “Wow, we were almost OUT not IN just then”.

And it clicks to me that could be the reason for the name.

Order from the secret menu you are IN, ‘n’ if you don’t, you are OUT. Ha ha I think, that’s very clever.

But you know, just for the record, no matter what happens and how many close calls almost keep me OUT… I will always find a way to be IN.

Two Animals and The Protein in the middle!

The Secret Protein....