The secret of being IN ‘n’ OUT

After a fabulous mid morning in Malibu for brunch, a Packed to the Rafters TV celebrity spotting and a drive along the coast back to West Hollywood, my cousins Kevin & Donnie Norte (look them up, or “like” their Facebook page - they are famous over here) started to plan our evening activities. 

It was decided we were to go watch a flick at Graumanns Chinese Theatre, and post movie was to be burgers at IN ‘n’ OUT.  Now for those of you not familiar with IN ‘n’ OUT Burgers, you may have a clearer memory of an advertisement Paris Hilton did a few years back sliding all over a car eating a burger almost naked.  Right, with me now?

Anyhoo, while I was very excited about getting burgers after the movie Kevin mentions he has to tell me something.  What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was about to hear a little treasure that seems fit for a Grand Master to mention at a local Freemasons meeting…

There is a secret menu at IN ‘n’ OUT burger.

“A secret menu?” I say as I scratch my head confused.  

“Yes a secret menu” Donnie and Kevin respond in unison.  

“Why the hell is there a secret menu?” I wonder but before I could say “Two all beef patties…special sauce…”  Kevin whips out his iPad and launches the menu on the IN ‘n’ OUT page.

I am amazed. In front of me is a full range of burgers and styles that I have never heard of before.  From what I am being told as we scroll, not one of these are mentioned on the menu inside the restaurant and if you don’t know about this secret menu… no one inside the restaurant will tell you. Weird.

So we look at all the styles of burgers.  Donnie and Kevin tell me that they are quite partial to the cheeseburger “animal” style.  Animal style, what could that possibly mean?  Why do they have a secret menu again? 

As I start to feel concerned that this could be a joke or a waste of my time, Kevin breaks my mood by announcing that they make a burger sans bread.  Yes, without bread.  A burger made with lettuce instead of the bread.  Everything else you want is in it… the burger the tomato and the cheese.  I am impressed.  Allergy perfect.  Why haven’t we thought of this before?  Why haven’t I thought of this before? 

I stop to think about it.

For two long, very long years I have almost broken into tears when a Hungry Jacks advert came on the TV.  For I am gluten intolerant.  Forget the Singapore Airlines ads, my tears practically leap off my face when I see a flame grilled whopper with cheese.  So much so I would have to leave the room.  Bloody amazing I think to myself… while everyone else is trying to make do with that gluten free bread that you can practically use as bricks to build a house, these people are just making it with lettuce.  As my CEO always says… Keep it simple stupid, and yes trying to make do with gluten free bread is indeed stupid.  Lettuce however, brilliant. So we scribble the names down of our secret burgers and out the door we go.

The movie was great, Ben Affleck gorgeous of course - however our stomachs reminded us of more important things and off we trot to IN ‘n’ OUT Burger.

Right boys have we got the names of the secret burgers?  Animal Style check, what was mine called again? Oh yes “2 x 4” check.  We are off.

We arrive at the restaurant and just as I had been told, the menu had just 3 items on it. Double burger. Cheeseburger. Hamburger.

So in a scene that played out similar to the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld we wait in line until we are called.  Next Guest please!.  That would be us.

Kevin and I go straight up to the girl and Donnie is right behind.  “Two Animal style Cheeseburgers please and a 2 x 4” we say.  She repeats the order as if we had ordered straight from a menu.  WOW.  There is a secret menu.  She types it in to her burger consol and the boys order fries and drinks. 

As she is double confirming our order that I would like the “2 x 4” Cheeseburger which consists of two burger patties and 4 pieces of cheese… I start to think oh no, that’s not what I want and say…

“Oh no, I want the burger that is surrounded in lettuce”

She says to me “which one?”

And I repeat that I would like the one with the lettuce instead of bread.  She pretends she doesn’t know what I am talking about and looks bewildered that they would have a burger like that. 

Kevin and I look at each other in disbelief, Donnie takes two steps backwards as if we just lost our key to the secret garden and I quickly say “but hang on we looked it up on the internet.  You have it – I saw it on the web!”

The girl looks at us with her eyebrow up, leans forward and mutters under her breath…  “protein”.

“huh?” I say

She leans closer and whispers with her jaw tightly clenched… “it’s called the protein”.

I felt as if we had just been subjected to the cone of silence from Get Smart as she had whispered under her breath as if she was giving us the five lotto and the two supplementary numbers that night… unbelievable.

“Yes that’s the one I want” I say.

Phew! I had no idea that the secret menu is taken so seriously.I know the Masonic Hall on Hollywood Boulevard went broke but didn’t realize that perhaps they had set up shop here.

Kevin and I pull ourselves back off the counter and I am shocked to think we almost weren’t able to order any burgers at all.  That was a close call.  I was waiting for the “No Soup for YOU! Come back 1 year” cry that made that Seinfeld episode famous and we sigh in relief.

The girl reluctantly plugs in the details and continues to look at us sideways as if she was to silently say “you two were very lucky” and we quickly pay for two animal style burgers and a protein.   I turn around to see where Donnie had escaped to.  I am sure he was so embarrassed about my error he was sure to be long gone, but no, he was just looking for a place for us to sit.

Kevin finally brave enough to speak to me after our very close call says “Wow, we were almost OUT not IN just then”.

And it clicks to me that could be the reason for the name.

Order from the secret menu you are IN, ‘n’ if you don’t, you are OUT. Ha ha I think, that’s very clever.

But you know, just for the record, no matter what happens and how many close calls almost keep me OUT… I will always find a way to be IN.

Two Animals and The Protein in the middle!

The Secret Protein....

Baby I like it big…

As I sit in front of a building that looks like a cross between El Cabello Blanco crossed with COSTCO (I imagine the horses in ragalia about to trott past) it amazes me how everything here in the United States is BIG. 

Cars, food portions, malls, food portions, trucks, food portions… You name it, it’s big.

Just step into any place with a “Pharmacy” sign out the front.  I think the sign should read “Understatement” because walking in you get a whole lot more than a Pharmacy. 

Try… a liquor store, medical centre, food store, Starbucks, one hour photo, post office, internet café oh yeah don't forget the actual pharmacy.  All important items one could possibly need in an average day… booze, drugs, food, snap happy camera opportunities, coffee and an internet connection so you can upload continuous Facebook status’s.  One stop shop I would say. 

In Oshawa, a town of 150,000 people 70km East of Toronto (where my family live), around almost every single corner there was a huge shopping centre like this.  Not a Westfield kind of shopping centre, but more like a massive home decorator centre or IT village on steroids.  Think Radio Shack, Priceline, or your local Coles supermarket but times 100 and add another 10 or so businesses.  Just seriously massive stores.  It boggles my mind wondering how any of these centres survive in times like these.

It is very lucky that I am not living in the States...yet.  This type of centre should really be called “Spend your day here”.  With a big arched sign over a dual carriage way similar to the “Welcome to Disneyland” sign in Anaheim.  A trip to the supermarket for me is a 1.5 hour journey anyway – imagine the serious time and damage I can do in a place like this.  You wouldn’t see me for days.  

In 1997 when I was living in Canada my cousin Jen and I considered it a night out in going to “Shoppers Drug Mart”.  I used to love it.  It was a makeup, confectionery, and pharmacy paradise and an hour and half in there was though of as a short trip – and yet 16 years later these massive monuments still amaze me… cue mouth agape as if I was standing in front of the grand canyon reveling in its size and beauty. 

It makes me ask the question, do we really need everything in life to come in a supersize?  Is this the future?  Did McDonalds start this upsize craze… will Australia be next in this quest for bigness greatness?

As I look up through my windscreen pondering these thought provoking very serious life changing bigness greatness questions I am shocked to see a huge HUGE white blimp sailing across the sky advertising something as if a pretend competition for bigness was underway.

I squish my face practically to the windscreen to watch this thing sail past and think…

Yes a giant blimp may win first place in that competition today… and the competition for the biggest balls for that matter.

Did they not get the Hindenburg memo?

Atlanta Airport wow, you amaze me!

Arriving from Toronto a surprising short trip on a surprisingly small aircraft I make my way out of the 5 miles or so of Atlanta Hartfield –Jackson Airport (or is it Jackson-Hartfield?).  The airport has 5 concourses A,B,C,D,E and are so long you can take an underground train to the baggage claim area. 

I didn’t even work out there was a train, until after about 15 minutes of continuous walking in one direction I finally work out why the people keep are crowding at the beginning of each concourse.  I blame that delayed thought process on the small plane, because when I stood up, I hit my head so hard on the over head bins that the people behind me gasped.  Awesome... mild concussion.

Obviously all dazed and confused I hop on the train all the way to the baggage claim.  First time I have ever seen the baggage rotating on the turnstile when the people from the flight haven’t even got there yet.  Big airport.  Still not sure how I got here on that small plane. 

Off I trot to the shuttle bus area, because I am not in a rush, and I want to see this town!

Atlanta seems like Perth to me.  Very spacious and if you lived here, buy a car!  After an hour and a half on the shuttle, I am more than happy to be dropped off at the Intercontinental right across the road from our Servcorp location at Terminus 200.  WOW WOW WOW! 

Servcorp you amaze me too.  Great locations, fantastic team and a fit out on the floors to boot! PHotos are coming soon I promise!

36 hours in Atlanta before heading to Boston, and I am more than ready to jump back into work. 

You know what folks, I love my job.

Just a short stay in Atlanta and its over already...

You know Atlanta has the airport system down pat.  After my Toronto Pearson experience, I was up and early after my 1.5 day stay.  Arriving at the airport at 8.30am for an 11am flight, I was not about to re-live my 45 minutes stand in line time with Delta and panic about the time. 

My taxi dropped me right off in front of the Delta gates and to my absolute viewing pleasure I see a “curb-side” bag drop.  Big grin! I checked in online yesterday so I was very pleased to have been dropped off,  and not ticked off by 8.33am.  Check in complete! Oh my, hasn’t the day started off well!

Straight into the airport doors and I wiz by the Red Coats… They are actually helping people this time and there are no massive lines to check in inside either.  I must be in the Bizzaro Delta world (very “Jerry Seinfeld” if you are a fan) I am kind of impressed with Delta today. Maybe I should buy a lotto ticket too… my luck is up.

Off to Starbucks I head – yes I have grown quite accustomed to my grande vanilla soy latte each morning.  Don’t panic Mum, I’m losing weight not putting it on….

Interestingly I am not a Starbucks kind of person in Sydney.  I don’t think many people are.  No wonder when at the onset of the GFC, Starbucks closed 60 Australian stores.  Good move.  On the other hand, everyone here in the US loves it, so better to open new stores here I’d say. I mean, in New York, I couldn’t walk in to a store with out 20 people in the line.  And not one to stand in any kind of line I would immediately walk out again.  While I may be slightly addicted, life is too short to be standing in long lines. The Starbucks craze hasn’t quite caught on in Canada either.  Only saw a couple of stores.  In Canada, they still drink that awful perculated stuff from Tim Hortons!

So I cruise through the security point check in, the guy sending me through actually used to live in Maroubra so he gave me a fist high five.  Sweet, straight through to x-ray.  Off go the boots, the jacket, out comes the laptop and my 1 quart bag of tiny gels and liquids and the team are incredibly streamlined and fast.  One guy was having a great time with his tedious role by calling out all the things that we need to know in a song type rhyme.  Love people having fun with their job.  Great attitudes are contagious!

They have the body x-ray thing here and I am well rapt to be selected to get into it.  Have no idea why that was exciting for me, but its funny to stand there infront of everyone feet apart and your hands in the air like you are being held up!  After my hold up at Coco’s Restaurant with Drew in 2000, I am not sure why or how I can possibly have a sense of humour about being held up at gun point, but somehow I have…

So while I am hours early for my flight, sit in the general area (no Qantas lounge here folks) and being just a touch too early for a champagne , I sit and reflect on what a great couple weeks it has been...  Yep, I love my life right about now.